


Coming to Terms

by madelinescribbles



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Actual Mother Raven Queen, Also Eldritch Being Raven Queen, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Breakup Fic, Eldritch Mother Raven Queen, I think its happy you might hate me, Kinda, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-01
Updated: 2018-03-01
Packaged: 2019-03-25 09:59:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13831800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madelinescribbles/pseuds/madelinescribbles
Summary: Taako breaks it off, Kravitz hurts, the world doesn't end.





	Coming to Terms

**Author's Note:**

> it was an accident. i opened my notes to write an idea and suddenly,, 4000 words appeared.
> 
> this one is personal, but not in anyway that will hurt the parties involved. it helped me work through some stuff so i hope you like it!

A few weeks after the Day of Story and Song, Taako has his own flat in Goldcliff. It’s large, decadent, over-the-top in design, and everything Kravitz (plus, the entire world, he supposes) loves about Taako.

That same week, Taako tells Kravitz he loves him and asks him to move in with him.

It’s their first night together and Taako is making dinner in his professional grade kitchen that Kravitz thought looked straight out of Fantasy Chopped, but Taako insisted was better than “that subpar trash facility.”

Kravitz is in the attached living room, reading a book that Barry gave him about the ethics of necromancy from _his_ dimension, occasionally making conversation with Taako whenever a topic crosses either of their minds. It’s sappy, horribly domestic, and Kravitz is giddy with every minute of it.

“It smells good in there, darling,” Kravitz calls, “Are you sure you don’t need me to help? I know I can’t be trusted with the actual food, but I could set the table if you want.”

No answer.

“Taako?” Kravitz folds the page corner and slowly closes the book, “Are you okay, love?”

“ _K-krav_ ,” Taako sounds like he’s choking out the word and Kravitz leaps off the couch and into the kitchen to see what the problem is.

Taako is on the floor and visibly shaking. Hard. Like a cornered animal. His eyes are glossed over and his breathing is labored too; he’s clawing at the neck of his sweater and hyperventilating like every gasp of air he sucks in may be his last. At this rate, Kravitz is a bit afraid they could be.

He rushes over but makes sure to keep a safe distance just in case.

“Taako, what’s wrong? What’s happening?”

Taako’s blank eyes snap to Kravitz and he scrambles backward with a jerk.

“I’m fine!” He shouts.

Taako is very visibly not fine. His voice cracks on his words and his entire body is engaged in the effort of breathing now. He’s still clawing at his neck, in danger of ripping the sweater and possibly drawing blood. There are tears running down his face, staining his cheeks with watery drops of blue eyeliner and black mascara.

Kravitz slowly takes a step back, both hands up to indicate he does not intend to get closer.

“Should I call Lup?” He asks calmly. Inside, he’s screaming and panicking and about to vomit all over the floor.

“NO!” Taako yelps desperately, “No! Don’t-don’t call anyone. I just-“

He begins to dissolve back into hyperventilating.

Kravitz knew Taako had panic attacks, but this was an extreme level he had yet to see. He didn’t think it was this bad. It was terrifying because he didn’t know what to _do_. Anything Kravitz does in an attempt to help only ever makes Taako’s stability deteriorate faster.

“Taako, darling, can you tell me what you need right now?”

That seems to make it even worse. Taako scrambles back so hard he smacks the back of his head on the stainless steel oven handle and lurches forward in pain. Kravitz reflexively steps towards him in an attempt to help, but remembers that was what started this in the first place and takes two steps back instead.

“Taako, can I come make sure your head is ok?”

Taako shakes his head vigorously for “no,” blood slowly trickling from his nose now, joining the makeup tears pooling in the crevices of his left hand, cupped around his mouth in shock as his right hand continues to pull the neck of his sweater as far away from his throat as possible.

“Ok. That’s fine,” Kravitz calls, from the other side of the room at this point, and nothing is fine. “Can you at least get a wet towel for yourself? Your nose is bleeding, love.”

Taako flinches at the pet name.

Kravitz hates himself.

“Sorry. Sorry. Taako, please, at least get a cold cloth to stem the bleeding.”

Shaking worse than a newborn deer, Taako stumbles to his feet, gripping the stove for support. Kravitz thanks the Raven Queen, Istus, and anyone else in his corner that he hadn’t turned it on yet. With trembling hands, Taako wets a dishrag with cold water and holds it to his nose. The mere act of doing something productive seems to have calmed him down a bit. His right hand is still stretching the neckline to the point of ruin, but his breathing seems to have become deliberately less shallow and desperate. Kravitz finds himself emulating deep breaths in some subconscious attempt to regulate Taako’s. Whether or not it was working doesn’t matter, because Taako lets out one final deep exhale and turns to face him. Anxiety attack over, leaning heavily on the sink like he’s about to collapse from exhaustion, Taako removes the rag from his face and points a finger at Kravitz.

“You need... You need to leave. For-for like, uh, 20 minutes. Just, take a walk, kill someone, I don’t-I don’t care. 20 minutes. S-Starting now.”

Kravitz is too terrified to argue. He immediately rips a hole in the fabric of the universe to take him literally anywhere else and hops through it.

* * *

Exactly 20 minutes later, (1200 seconds on the dot; he counted) Kravitz cuts a portal back into his living room, stepping through it cautiously. He didn’t want to be early, but he didn’t want Taako to think he was leaving him either. Entering slowly gives him a chance to send Kravitz away for more time if necessary.

But that’s not the case, as he steps fully into the room without contest and sees Taako, nose dry and face clean, sweater neck now triple its original diameter, sitting on the couch, eyes still puffy from crying earlier.

Scratch that, Taako is actively crying again, but Kravitz is frankly just relieved he isn’t still unraveling in the kitchen.

“Hey, Krav,” Taako says with an attempted lightness, but his voice is laced with tears and it doesn’t work.

“Taako, darling, what happened? Are you alright?” He managed to stay calm out of necessity during his boyfriend’s panic attack, but now it was hard not to sound hysterical.

“Uh, yeah, I, uh,” Taako seemed to make an attempt at a reasonable explanation before he let out the most exhausted sigh Kravitz had ever heard from him, “Sit down, Krav.”

Kravitz felt the magical construct that was his stomach drop through the floor and continue to hurtle at breakneck speeds towards the center of the earth. He sat.

Taako doesn’t say anything for a few moments, clearly working to keep his breathing even. Kravitz doesn’t mind. All he wants to do is take him in his arms and rub circles in his back until this is all some twisted memory.

But he doesn’t, because Taako doesn’t want that, and this isn’t something that can healthily be ignored.

“Kravitz,” Taako finally manages to say, “I’m sorry, I can’t-“ his breath hitches as he lets out another sob.

“It’s okay, Taako, take your time,” Kravitz’s voice is soothing and in his mind he feels like he’s running through a burning building to look for a fire extinguisher. He can’t imagine that anything he can do will help, but he won’t leave and he has to try.

“I love you, Kravitz,” Taako smiles sadly.

“I love you too, Taako,” Kravitz agrees with a reassuring smile, putting cognitive effort into not rushing out the words in desperation, or letting the worry crinkle his forehead.

“I can’t-I can’t do this,” Taako finally says.

The effort he put into hiding the worry doesn’t matter anymore.

“What do you mean?” Kravitz asks, the stomach that had been previously making its way to the planet’s core was immediately lurching back up twice as fast, threatening to push everything he had ever eaten back through his mouth in the opposite direction.

“This is-this is so hard, Krav. I love you. And I-I love spending time with you, and talking to you, but I don’t think... I can’t handle a relationship right now. What you just saw in there? That was a few hours of living together. That’s not-that’s not normal? That’s fucked up. _I’m_ fucked up, Krav. I’ve been having panic attacks since we first started dating. A lot of them. None of them were, uh, were that bad, but, uh, that’s not the point.”

Kravitz is about to start shaking himself, but keeps it together for Taako’s sake.

“Krav, my last relationship ended in 40 people dying. I love you, and I-I love you here with me, but everytime I think about _us_ , I think about them dying in front of me and suddenly I’m there with-with him, telling me not to look back or he’ll, uh, well I’m not gonna- nothing good, I guess.”

Kravitz can’t help but jolt at the idea of someone hurting Taako and he suddenly wants to take his scythe on a leisure trip to Sazed’s cell.

“I wish we could have this, Krav. A-and maybe you still can, with someone else. Or we can, uh, just keep talking to each other. But I can’t- I can’t keep, keep, I can’t keep calling you my boyfriend. This is, uh, ho boy this is really hard to say, but Taako is dealing with trauma and being in a relationship is, uh, pretty overwhelming,” he takes another shaky breath, “I’m sorry, Kravitz. I’m so, so sorry.”

Taako is crying even harder now, and Kravitz still wants to scoop him into a hug, but he’s also acutely aware that Taako just broke up with him because he feels unsafe when Kravitz does _exactly that._

For one horrible, selfish moment, Kravitz feels upset. They had just moved in together. After spending weeks drowning the Hunger, he had finally found happiness with Taako, and suddenly it was just gone. Poof. Like a prestidigitation on all his hopes and dreams.

And then he realizes that is such a fucking asinine thing to even consider, given what Taako has been through for the past century.

Kravitz couldn’t argue that he wasn’t an active danger to Taako’s mental health. They were living together for a total of 7 hours before Taako had a physically taxing panic attack that resulted in head trauma. And apparently this wasn’t the first time this had happened. Kravitz felt sick. He… He did this. _He_ sent Taako into these panics. _He_ jumped into a relationship, despite knowing Taako had been severely abused and traumatized in the past, and didn’t even think about what that could do to his mental state with Kravitz suddenly in the picture.

“Taako. Taako, I completely understand. I can’t... I’m so sorry for rushing you into this. Take- give yourself all the time and space you need. Maybe call Lup. I’ll always be here for you. Just give me a call whenever you need me, I’ll always answer.”

Taako nods. “Y-Yeah. I will. Thank-thanks for understanding.”

“Of course.”

He stands and dips his head at Taako, the only comforting gesture he can think to give without touching him, before slicing open a portal and stepping through.

* * *

Kravitz finds himself in the eternal stockade.

He hadn’t been paying very close attention when he ripped open a portal, his only thought being “away,” and now he stood in the center of the most secure prison in this dimension, with no clue where to go from here. Everyone in the universe knew and loved Taako, and he just found out he had been hurting him this entire time. Who do you talk to about that?

“Vhat’s vith za long face, dear? Vou look upset.”

Apparently the answer is Magic Brian.

He turned to face the cell block for souls that committed lesser crimes, spotting the white light floating closer to the bars in concern - or at the very least passing interest.

“Hello, Brian. I, um, I guess I was just dumped.”

“Oh no! Vhats awful! Tell me. Tell Magic Brian all about it. Ve shall burn his pictures after zen, ya?”

“No, no, it’s not- it wasn’t malicious. We’re still- we’re still friends. He’s just been through a lot and isn’t ready for a relationship yet. We still care for each other.”

“Vell zen it’s for the best, ya? Better sooner zan later, no?”

Kravitz frowned.

“I guess. I’m still... I’m still reeling from this, Brian. We were only together for a few months but our connection was so strong. I love him and want to be with him but I don’t... I don’t want to hurt him.”

“Vell hey, look on ze bright side! It vent better zan my last von did! I left her at ze alter for a giant spider and a veapon of mass destruction!” He giggles maniacally.

Kravitz sighs, the back of his eyes pricking dangerously with tears. To avoid the embarrassment of crying he melts away his flesh, but he still feels the dull ache in the back of his eye sockets. He sheds the form completely to become a simple ball of white light, but the pain still lingers.

With nowhere to go and the desire to do anything but let himself cry about it, Kravitz decides to go back to work.

“I hope vou veel better, darling!” Brian calls as he floats out the doors of the stockade. It’s a nice thought, but it makes Kravitz feel worse.

He takes the long way to the throne room, flying above the Isles of the Heroes, where truly pure souls spend their last few years of independence; across the seemingly endless Sea of Souls, where trillions upon trillions weave in and out of each other in an intricate dance of bonds and fading existence; over the pits of Tartarus, where the souls of monsters with lesser sentience attempt to find peace, but clash where the souls of the cognizant would dance.

There’s something about it that makes him feel... not better, but much further removed from the pain. This place is eternal- more so than he is. He’s not sure what happens to him when he dies - _if_ he can die - but at the very least he knows he’ll belong wherever he goes.

It’s a relieving thought, considering he just lost the person he wanted to spend eternity with, but it still doesn’t make him feel better.

Kravitz reaches the River Styx and unhooks a gondola from the dock that is always magically nearby, letting the menial labor distract him. As he floats across the river, he doesn’t even realize he isn’t thinking of anything at all.

Still a bit out of touch with himself, he pulls the gondola to dock on the other side out of habit, despite the fact that it’s magical properties will make it re-appear anywhere on the river next time it is needed. He idly reconstructs his skeletal form, dull pain still present in the back of his eyes, but such a familiar sensation by now that he hardly notices, and pushes through the palace doors into the throne room.

Bones clack as they make contact with the black stone floor, echoing throughout the enormous chamber, despite the fact that there seems to be no walls or ceiling in the palace at all. A tall, featureless, vaguely humanoid figure covered in beautiful black feathers sits graceful and motionless on a throne at the front of the room. The eternal void between life and death stretches in all directions around him and the Raven Queen as he approaches her parapet and kneels before it.

“My Queen,” he greets her, “I report for assignment.”

For a moment the chamber is silent, the lack of noise matching the endless inky blackness around them.

“You are distressed,” the Raven Queen’s voice finally rings throughout the chamber. It has no source, but somehow permeates every inch of the infinite space.

“It is nothing, my Queen,” he attempts to insist.

“Do not correct me, and do not lie to me,” she warns, “Your existence is an extension of my power; I know you more than you know yourself. Tell me why you are distressed.”

Kravitz grows hot with shame. He knew that she would know; he had hoped she wouldn’t bother to address it. He also knows that she is already aware of exactly why he is upset, but wants to hear it from him herself.

“Taako broke up with me, my Queen.”

As he says it, he can feel his physical form waver and threaten to give out completely. If he still had his flesh, he would have been crying by now.

“There is no need to keep up appearances, Kravitz.” The Raven Queen’s voice is somehow soft, despite its power.

He feels the shaky form of his reaper appearance fade away, and a pocket of warm, steady, raw arcana surrounds his soul; the Queen’s embrace.

“Th-thank you, my Queen,” he manages to say, his voice breaking into a sob.

For a long period of time the throne room is still, as Kravitz allows himself to sorrow over his loss. He’s not sure how much time passes; the throne room has odd properties in its relation to linear time. It could have been anywhere between five minutes and a year, but Kravitz hardly cares, allowing himself to be swallowed in her comfort.

“You see yourself as unworthy of love,” The Raven Queen says finally.

Despite the fact that she had pulled her observation from his soul, Kravitz is surprised to realize that she’s right.

“I do,” he admits, “Taako was the only soul to want me in thousands of years. If I can’t find mortal love with him, then I don’t think I ever will. I ruined my only chance.”

The Raven Queen hummed thoughtfully.

“You blame yourself.”

“I hurt him,” he says softly, “I knew he had traumatic experiences in the past, but I rushed into this anyway. I should have waited.”

His soul shakes and his anguish renews at the thought of everything he could have done differently.

“You are young in the scope of infinity, Kravitz,” The Raven Queen begins, “a few thousand years is nothing to the spectrum on which the universe lives, on which I live - on which you will come to live. There is still much time for you to find someone who loves in the same way as you. Who knows, that soul may yet be Taako. Consider it a blessing that you have a chance to know each other better outside of the constraints of a romantic contract. Be his friend, give him gifts, fall in love and trust each other slowly. You may find that one day his soul will heal enough to share with you, and if not, you at least share yours. Give it time. Give yourself time, Kravitz. And be grateful it ended before you damaged one another. Have hope, help him now, pursue him when he is fully healed, and if he decides that he never will be, understand that it is not your fault any more than it is his. If that is the case, remember that you are young in this eternity, and that your soul is much easier to love than you have convinced yourself. You will be at peace. I promise.”

Kravitz feels... lighter. The pain still throbs persistently, but it feels much less permanent now. Like so much of the pressure he had put on himself was released, and it was only a matter of time before the pain can dissipate as well.

He hopes this is how Taako feels. The more he thinks about it, the more certain he is that Taako does not feel like this. Taako makes himself miserable as a default setting, and he probably assumes that Kravitz hates him for breaking up.

Fuck.

“My Queen, how long has it been in the prime material plane since I entered your throne room?”

“Three days.”

Kravitz had been sulking for three days. His heart wrenched at the thought of what that might do to Taako.

“My Queen,-“

“Do not worry, I have informed the other reapers that you are in my custody.”

He breathed a sigh of relief knowing that Lup and Barry would have told Taako that he wasn’t ignoring him, but it still didn’t solve the fact that if _Kravitz_ was blaming himself, Taako was definitely doing it with twice the conviction.

Kravitz takes one last moment to collect himself before molding a skeletal form and allowing flesh to slide over it. The pocket of arcana surrounding him slowly dissolves.

“Thank you, my Queen, for your guidance. I will take it to heart. Now if you will allow me, I must set some things right with Taako.”

The Queen gives a hum of laughter.

“Of course, Kravitz.”

* * *

Kravitz caught himself right before opening a portal directly into the living room, instead deciding to open one in the alley down the street from Taako’s flat in Goldcliff.

He played idly with his scythe on the entire elevator ride up to the penthouse apartment, and took a moment to build up his courage before knocking on the door.

To his surprise, Angus McDonald answered the door.

“Hello, sir, are you here to speak with Taako?” For an eleven-year-old, his poker face was impeccable. In fact, it was impeccable in general. Kravitz had no idea if the boy was angry or relieved to see him, and thus had no clue what Taako would be either.

“Uh, yes, I, um, if he doesn’t- if it would make him uncomfortable I can leave but I- and I’m not trying to get back together or anything, I-I just want to make sure he knows I’m not mad at him?” Kravitz winced. “That came out wrong. There’s no reason I would be mad. He didn’t do anything wrong. I meant, um, just, I know he tends to blame himself and I didn’t want him to get upset if-“

“Mr. Kravitz, sir?” Angus cut him off.

“Yes?” Kravitz asked with far too much fear in his voice for speaking with a preteen.

“You can come in. Taako is in the parlor.”

Despite not having lungs, Kravitz let out a sigh of relief.

“Thank you, Angus,” he said as he stepped in after him.

Taako sat on the couch in the living room, wringing his hands apprehensively as he entered. Kravitz was frankly just relieved that Taako wasn’t expressing outright fear at his presence. Angus makes meaningful eye contact with Taako and gives Kravitz a curt nod before retreating into the kitchen.

Kravitz is very much certain he should be afraid of what Angus McDonald will do to him if he hurts Taako.

“Hello, Taako, I, uh, just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

Taako blanches.

“Me? I’m the one who dumped you, homeslice, why would you care about me?” he gawks in genuine surprise, “You’re the one who went to your mother’s house for a few days to cry; I-I should make sure _you’re_ okay. You must hate me!”

Kravitz’s eyebrows jump in response.

“Taako, I could never hate you, I need you to know that.”

“Okay,” Taako says in a way that means he clearly doesn’t believe it, “So what, you’re here to get back together?”

“What? No! Well, okay, uh, I can see what this looks like, but Taako I respect your decision, and I’m glad you’re able to know when you need to take care of yourself. I would so much rather have you healthy as my friend than constantly miserable as my partner. If my presence is too much, I completely understand, but I care for you more than a romantic fling, Taako. I care for you as a person. As an individual soul. I want to be there for you in any way I can, even if it means pushing my huge gay crush on you to the side.”

Taako lets out a small snort of laughter.

“My crush is bigger and gayer,” he says.

“I doubt it,” Kravitz grins, “It’s okay to be two friends with big gay crushes on each other. I never want to stop talking to you, Taako. And even if you never find yourself ready to be together, I’ll still be there for you. I promise.”

Taako lets out a shaky breath, but speaks with a smile on his face.

“Kravitz, you have no idea how relieved I am to hear you say that.”

Kravitz lets out yet another unnecessary sigh of relief before flopping onto the couch opposite Taako. Not as intimate as being on the same one, but enough for Taako to know he is there to listen.

“I was so worried,” Taako continued, “That breaking up meant things would be awkward, or forced, or even hostile. When you didn’t answer your stone for over a day and a half, I thought you hated me!”

Kravitz tensed. _“Just give me a call whenever you need me, I’ll always answer.”_

Taako waved his hand as if shooing away his thoughts.

“Don’t worry, Bubbeleh, Lup told me Mama Bird was vomiting some comfort worms into your mouth or something.”

Kravitz really didn’t want to think of his intimate moment of vulnerability with his patron goddess like that.

“But I was still worried you wouldn’t want to talk to me ever again or something,” Taako shrugged. It was subtle, but Kravitz could tell he was shrinking himself little by little as he exposed his emotions.

“No,” Kravitz assured him, “I don’t ever want to make you feel unsafe, but if it’s alright with you, I would still love to talk to you every day over the stone. Maybe have dinner with you and your friends every now and then, if I’m still welcome?”

Taako grinned wholeheartedly for the first time since before his panic attack.

“You are absolutely still welcome, hot stuff.”

Kravitz grinned.

They weren’t living together. They weren’t boyfriends. They weren’t romantically involved. But they were friends. Perhaps one day Kravtiz will be lucky enough to see Taako heal to a point that would let them take it further, but that wasn’t today.

And Kravitz was more than alright with that.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! any comments and kudos appreciated!
> 
> hit me up on my [tumblr](http://moosey-art.tumblr.com/) for a chat!


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